Things I hate about the DSM: Cluster A, B, and C

I think that everyone fits into the DSM-IV-TR Personality Clusters.

Cluster A: Odd/Eccentric
Cluster B: Dramatic
Cluster C: Anxious/Fearful

While I have my odd, eccentric, and dramatic moments, without a doubt, I choose Cluster C for myself: Anxious/Fearful. Lord Jesus... I hate this book.

Odd/Eccentric: paranoid personality disorder (pd), schizoid pd, and schizotypal pd.
Dramatic: antisocial pd (i.e. the serial killers among us), borderline pd, histrionic pd(totally made up, and another reason to hate the DSM), and narcissistic pd.
Anxious/Fearful: avoidant pd, dependent pd, and obsessive-compulsive pd.

Go check out the diagnostic criteria. Here is one location Merck, but the DSM is the best! (*Puke*) It is a good time if you are not studying for an exam. That is all I have to say about that.

Jesus Christ the Snowman

A picture of what completely sober Catholic theology students do in the middle of the night during snowy finals.

Melted this morning... Question is: Will the Resurrection be literal, figurative, or both [and]?

Justice means Violence

I am reading Everett Worthington's new book A Just Forgiveness, and while I do not think he says that exactly, I find it is kind of true, at least, when thinking about it in the most traditional sense, e.g. essentially revenge. This idea has just been constantly running through my mind: justice = violence. It seems so wrong and so true. Thanks Dr. Worthington.


The idea is that there really is no way to be just because everyone's idea of justice is different, that is why we try to create law and have judges that we can all agree on. But just because majority agrees on something, does not mean that our being is not being thoroughly screwed up by this justice system. If justice is all we seek, the score will never be even, and we will only breed more violence.

People also speak of "restorative justice" which in my mind is usually the same as reconciliation. This is what we should seek. Elimination of "the other" with restoration, transformation, reconciliation, truth, love, compassion, and forgiveness.

What do you think?

Father God

As I think I mentioned in my last post, my church small groups is going through "Seven Foundations of Faith!" All of the small groups are doing this, and thus far, I have not been so impressed. I think so far they have covered Jesus and soteriology, reading the Bible, devotionals, accountability, something else I missed, and now "God the Father." Yes, yes, I have already ranted about what I think about all this "God is a man" business. But actually, what bothered me about this was that "they" thought it was necessary to talk solely about God the father without talking about the Trinity. Maybe last week was on the Holy Spirit, and I missed it. But is this "Fatherly" business a foundation? It is foundational as a Christian to understand/believe the metaphor of God as Father? What about all the other metaphors? And like I said, what about the Trinity?

Alrighty, it was a nice little talk I suppose, but there was something else (believe it or not) that bothered me. We spoke about not worrying ("What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?"), and God taking care of us ("Look at the birds of the air and the lilies of the field."), and God's discipline (Hebrews). All I could think was a quote that someone gave me from another professor, "If you can't say it to a poor person, then don't say it."

We all talk about ourselves too much. A personal relationship with God is great, but it is not isolated, and it seems like everyone talks about it that way, and that is the way I am expected to talk about it. "I feel this" and "This is the way God is for me" and "What I get from that is..." and ok, it doesn't sound so bad, but at a certain point, all I can think of is all the exceptions! The world is full of people who do not have perfect lives like all of us well-educated upper-middle class 20-somethings. We are the exceptions to the world, and most of the world thinks our lives and how we apply the Bible is a dream.

My main point:
What do I really have to worry about? Shame on me for worrying about papers and work and blah blah blah, my life is sooo hard (NOT), while there really are people who legitimately worry about food, water, and shelter. Where is their Father? What right do I have to apply that Scripture to my life? If I am going to apply it, I am going to go and start helping people--giving and showing all the blessings I can possibly give.

I don't know. Is the message about taking the verse and applying it to my life (i.e. "I worry, but God takes care of me..."), or is it about applying it to everything I can possibly apply it to (i.e. "I worry... but mostly about stupid things, and I should find ways to demonstrate to people in need that they do not need to worry and share my resources.").

Well, on the bright side, I decided that I like this new small group that I am a part of better than my old small group because there is more of a chance to discuss. The leader this week simply asked questions, which I think is good, and makes me feel like everyone gets a chance to say something, instead of an official "answer" being offered every time a comment is made. We'll see if I stick with them through the new year...

can't take it anymore

Evangelical bliss... There is too much to say to be honest. I am racking my brain for priority, and struggling. There's issues of inerrancy and use of the Bible. Arbitrary assignment of accountability buddies. Small group "foundational" lessons: yesterday we covered prayer, devotionals, reading the Bible and accountability all in about an hour... And luckily I missed the previous meeting that covered Salvation. Agh! I almost had a panic attack just thinking about it.

Now, while I have a tendency to be quite cynical and almost mean here, I really do enjoy all these people. If they drove me that crazy, then I wouldn't stay with them. The venting happens here because I have no place to vent. Or maybe I am fearful to vent to all the people involved--I don't want to be a jerk, and there is a fine line between "you guys are so great" and "what the hell are you preaching?" As I have said before, paradox is an unconscious way of life for most Christians, and in particular: the evangelical. Give yourself a challenge already: conscious paradox.

Anyway, I wish I had the handout that was given to me yesterday. The part about the Bible was particularly painful. I really do struggle with all of this. Should I stay or should I go? And if I stay, why? Will I just continue going and complaining and wondering, or am I really going to try and make a difference, or get kicked out trying? Yeah, I need to stop being a wimp, but be a gentle force.

I will spare anymore complaining since I do not have the evidence from yesterday near me. In the meantime, enjoy this video on how to worship.

Pope with Beer

Evangelical Overdose: Facilitation of God

I had this brilliant plan yesterday. The plan: skip small group. No big deal, I had a valid excuse: friend's going away party. Granted, I am not all that close with this friend, but I love an excuse to hang out and eat good food. I would be forgiven, and get a little break from... church folk. Not that I am being driven crazy or anything, but I did go to church four times last week (one Catholic mass). So I was going to skip faith group, and this Sunday go to African church instead of my usual evangelical venture--one whole week of traditional evangelical freedom!

But alas, the going away party was last night... so no more excuse. I will be hunted down and dragged to small group against my will... Maybe I am being a bit dramatic... I like hanging out with the evangelicals, but if I don't have a valid excuse, I better be there. I could always claim homework, but that is not truthfully valid right now... Anyway, what was a dilemma (party or small group), has been decided for me. I will suck it up and say "Hello" to hand-raising, prophesying, sinful nature, Paul-loving, Bible-thumping, geli goodness. (I just shortened "evangelical" to "geli.")

There has been a lot to talk [complain] about with church most recently. It is weird though, how you just keep coming back. I remember last year when I was an invisible member showing up maybe every other week: one week with the gelis and the next with the piscos (episcopals). I'll probably show up for pisco liturgy during the winter for the free meal, plus, they have the best homilies in my opinion, makes me feel better about Christianity... The preaching with gelis makes me feel pressure or guilt (to "evangelize" be "crazy for Jesus" be "perfect" be "saved" and agree with everything the Bible says in the way they interpret it) and causes facial contortion about 75% of the time (the other 25% is usually agreeable or thought-provoking).

So, along with my issues of gender and God, I have another thing to add to the list that regularly makes me wince: the "on" and "off" God, or the power of the Holy Spirit on some sort of volume control.

Before I even came into Catholic grad school, actually, I do not know if I ever thought of God as closer or further away. God just always was... is... etc... But with the geli's there are always phrases like, "The Holy Spirit is coming tonight!" or "God was really moving last night." or "Did God whow up for you?" or "God's power is here!" I even heard one of the pastors say the other week that small groups were "to facilitate God." Wha?! There is some level of agreeability and disagreeability with these statements, but as I have said before, I do not like how they are thrown around with out much thought.

Like, was God's power not that great before we had the intense rock out worship session? What exactly does it take to facilitate God? Where was God before? Was the power not there or availible before said moment of intense spiritual experience? Is it necessary to have extremely "high" spiritual moments. I notice people with the really high moments also have extremely low moments. I am one to stay in the middle typically (with anything really). I like to know God as spread completely and evenly over my life in every moment. God is no further or closer now than when I am in church or at uber worship night. I will admit that when I am up or down the intensity or awareness of my spirituality in myself or others can change, but God does not, and I am ok with this.

In other news: I am president. I found out I may be completely finished with the theology side of my degree (save for thesis), sad, but good, and counseling school is boring as hell, but I see very hopeful prospects for my future.

More on God and gender....

The other day in church I was amazed. The preacher referred to the Spirit as "He." Rarely does anyone use a pronoun to refer to the Spirit, however Biblically, the Spirit is most definitely a "She." I was amazed, surprised, and upset. ...but not so upset... mostly surprised. Either get your pronouns "right," interchange them often, or do not use them. I am an advocate of the latter two.

Some Psychology Class Annoyances

I started classes yesterday, and in every class I was reminded why I love and hate psychology so much.

1. Professors not allowing laptops in class.

Okay, I can sort of understand this, but I feel like I am being prejudged. Pretty much every professor uses their laptop in class, and they have a powerpoint, and I like to use my laptop to take notes on the powerpoint! In addition to this, laptops are useful for clarifying information without disrupting the class. And regardless of whether the lappy is in front of me or not, I am not going to pay attention any better if I am bored, tired, or the lecture is bad.

2. The same examples used over and over again!!!!!!

Pretty much in every class there is the stupid pictures of the goblet and faces, and old and young woman, and the professor says something cryptic to the effect of, "Things are not always as they appear..."

Lastly and most importantly:
3. Dumb Questions.

There is always that one person in that one class who annoys the hell out of everyone else with their DUMB QUESTIONS, and it seems like they are all concentrated in the field of psychology... And since there is such a concentration of dumb question askers, there are less people to annoy by the dumb questions, and instead each dumb question creates an opportunity for another dumb question to be asked.

Okay, okay, maybe I am being really judgmental, but for those of you who do not know what a dumb question is, this is how I define it. A dumb question is a question that is asked after the professor just explained the answer of the question, and oftentimes a dumb question can be asked right before the professor gets to the answer (i.e. impatience). The former is much more annoying than the latter, I think. Yesterday, I was amazed at how many times my professor had to say "This will all be explained when Prof. So-and-so comes." But then students continued to ask questions about it, and be like, "Duh, I don't get it..." People! Pay attention! Be patient!

Another category of dumb question is the millions of questions that students ask about assignments and tests. "Do I do it this way or this way?" "Is this going to be on it?" "Do you want this?" Some of these are okay, but in the psych world it just seems ridiculously excessive. Agh stupid people!!!!

In the meantime, I think classes are going to go well. I miss theology class, but I may run to be president of the theology school, so that will keep me nice and close and in control-ish.

Not My Will, but Your Will be Done

Last night in church small group, we had this discussion on faith and prayer. I think that the leaders were trying to keep the conversation relatively specific and simple, but of course, it ended up being more complex and general. I look back and wish I just would have asked, "Well, why does prayer matter at all!!??" Which I thought, but knew it would just veer us off in some other direction, and the evangelicals would start making the usual blanket paradoxical statements that make me crazy and peaceful at the same time...

So specifically, A, the leader of our group was simply looking to encourage us to pray for things without a doubt, in complete trust and faith, knowing that it makes a difference for ourselves and for others. But starting with a question like, "What does praying in faith mean for you?" was not going to get to A's goal very quickly... because prayer is much more than asking for stuff... So the real question that A was trying to get at was, "When you ask for stuff in your prayer from God, how much do you believe that it is going to happen?" So then we went into conversation about healing, and asking for it, and belief, and how the hell does it work, and why does it not work when it does not work... And so we began a conversation on what we mean when we pray, "Not my will, but your will," or "..if it is your will" etc. etc. etc.

So we pray and pray and pray for something, and then tack on, "Well, if it is your will..." Why did we bother asking if we are just going to then turn around and tell God, "Well God, even though I am petitioning you for this you are just going to do whatever you do, and that is probably going to be best, even though I probably won't understand it."

Does anyone see the so very obvious paradox here? Anyone?

The evangelicals are frantically flipping through their New Testaments and racking their brains for stories and sayings of faith and healing and letting God's will be done... Sidebar: another annoying thing is when someone asks a question, and then someone flips to one verse or one story, and then goes, "Ooh well, that makes sense, I guess that is the answer." I saw a lot of this happening last night, and as people's eyes are glued to the Word of God, no one thinks to throw out places in the Bible where it does not make sense, because obviously, it makes sense.

Then we turn to the ultimate example--Jesus in the Garden. We did not go to deep into this, but had we, oh my my... my brain is spinning with the potential here for HUGE Biblical problems that are very much glazed over or rationalized non-Biblically with evangelicals.

Why does Jesus pray, "If it be your will let this cup pass from me..."?

Isn't Jesus God? Is Jesus praying to himself? It can get a bit confusing. Regardless, what was Jesus' will in this situation? Was Jesus' will different from God's will? Can God's will be different from God's will? Can God have two paradoxical wills? Was Jesus just putting some grand act on as an example to Christians, meanwhile he could have just sat rock had a picnic with the Father, checked his watch and said, "Eh, let's get this show on the road, I have people in hell to save."

I do not know the answers to these questions, but I did throw out an alternative to the prayer, e.g. "If it be your will..." in small group. As usual, I look around the group and I see people who nod in agreement, who look like, "Gee, I never thought of that before," and who react too quickly revealing their opposing position.

All I said was that instead of praying "If it be your will" to instead pray that "my will" and "God's will" are the same. I mean, if we are going to accept the will of God regardless of what we pray, why not pray that our wills be united? So no matter what happens, I am at peace with God. I mean, that is kind of essentially what you are doing anyway, but with a more positive and open spin. I was happy to most everyone agreed with me or at least found the concept intriguing even if they didn't realize the full implications. M, however, jumped on the opportunity to emphasize that our will is not God's will, and cannot be God's will, because we are not God. The last part, yes, but just because of that doesn't mean the former isn't possible or worth praying for. He did not seem to like my twist on the prayer; I could see the wheels turning in his evangelical seminarian head. Luckily, A was totally on my side, which was nice since he pretty much rules the group.

This is all pretty random, and only covers one little tiny aspect of prayer, so forgive me for not going into great depth on the oh-so simple concept of prayer (not so simple). It was just what I was thinking about last night... along with the male references to God, evangelism, the on and off Spirit... etc. One thing at a time. Further comments?

Answers are Overrated

Besides this, it is upsetting that my books for this semester are going to cost more than my rent for the month. I got away with not buying the books in the last psych class I had, but I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off with 5 classes...

Yesterday at [evangelical] church I was being introduced to all the pastors and one of the pastors recognized me because earlier in the summer I had sent a desperate e-mail asking to sit down with some evangelical ecclesial folk and discuss questions... In particular, questions on salvation. At the time I was in a bit of a crisis. I couldn't remember what it was like to be such a super assured Christian. The type of Christian where you said all these Christiany things and everyone around you just knew what you were talking about. Simple things like, "Praise the Lord!" or "God takes care of us" or "the Spirit was strong and moving" or I'm saved" or "they don't know Jesus" and using words like salvation, heaven, hell, kingdom, the Spirit, and everyone just knew. I couldn't remember what that was like, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to using that language without constantly checking myself in my head as to what exactly do I mean by that...

So I wanted to talk to a pastor or a preacher or a teacher in the church (any church, but especially the ones I had been most involved in). The pastor recognized me and asked if I had got my questions answered, and I am sure that the look on my face said, "No, not really..." The guy I was suppose to meet up with was having a baby, and it was the end of the semester for me, and we never found a time... but it is okay! I am at peace with the lack of definitive answer! Well, more or less.

Soon after he left the conversation I thought to myself, "Answers are overrated." All answers seem to do is produce more questions... which produces multiple answers... which produces multiple questions. Even more annoyingly is that you can bet the questions and answers you are making, especially in Christendom, have already been asked and answered by someone somewhere and written down! We just haven't read it because we are glued to our Bibles, pop Christian literature, and Christian music. Wait! Question! Where did the Bible come from anyway...?

What ends up happening is that you get to a semi-root question like, "Why?" or "What is the point?" or "What is the most true, and matters the most?" I don't know, but I imagine regardless of religious affiliation, most people will answer similarly (unless they are a sociopath or something).

I imagine that what the answer is going to involve is family, friends, justice, care, compassion, peace, love, community, etc etc etc. These are things that the healthy human being can agree on. (Ah... but then you wonder, "What are these things?" "How are they manifested?")

So my questions were not exactly answered, and figuring out "the answers" is a lifelong journey. It is best to just accept where you are and be prepared for continuous and drastic change.

Power of the Tongue: God and Gender

Grad school in theology has made me a raging feminist! Well, not really, but based on what I am about to say, many may come to believe that this is the case. Something that I have noticed in my church back home and the church I currently attend versus Catholic and Episcopal church is how to address God, in particular: pronouns. Then again, it often depends on the person and where and what theology they have been trained in...

Anyway, I got to thinking about this last night at my church small group because one of the guys speaking was emphasizing (through Scripture: James and Proverbs) the power and importance of the tongue. I saw it as a doorway to bettering some traditional evangelical language and misunderstanding...

Within pretty much all of Christendom, the example has been to refer to God as Father and consequently "He," "Him," and "Himself." I do not know anyone who grew up being taught to refer to God as simply "God" and "Godself" or to interchange "Him" and "Her" in reference to God. That is crazy talk! But from my very first grad school theology class we were taught to use gender inclusive language in our writing and speaking of God. So now I am hyperaware of every male reference to God in song, prayer, and sermon, and when there are no female examples given in any list of influential Christians. So often male preachers list males who have made a difference in the church or wrote this or that or taught this or that. Sure, it is a predominately male field--but it is not a predominately male spirituality or religion. And God is not a predominately a male God...

That aside, in the past, and in class I fully understood that God does not have a gender (Jesus does, however, so it is ok to refer to him with "him"). So then the question is, "Why do we constantly refer to God as "He" then?" I can think of some answers, and the two big ones are that that is the example that has been given in our churches and that is the way it appears in the Bible. BUT WE KNOW THAT GOD DOES NOT HAVE A GENDER. If any gender, God is both male AND female as Genesis 1 says...

But it gets more confusing: the "Spirit" or the "Wisdom of God" in the Old Testament is definitely a "She." Why is she a "She"? Well, the gender of the word in the original language was female, so the pronoun is female. It is all semantics, language, metaphor, and it MATTERS!

The way God is approached and understood can radically change based on the language and the metaphor we use for God, and in Christianity the least incorrect metaphor for God is Love.

It may seem awkward constantly referring to God as "God" and "Godself," but people will notice, and you will notice how often God is referred to as "He" "Him" and "Himself" in worship, prayer, and sermons. And it will even bother you a little bit because you know that God as "He" really is kind of ridiculous and very limiting to God... especially since most words used to describe God are stereotypically feminine.

So my church back home and the church I go to now constantly refer to God as male, and there often is a lot of confusion over women's role in the church and the family (thanks to Paul or someone claiming to be Paul). While Episcopal and Catholic church do not. The difference I think is in the level of education and when and where the pastor or priest studied. So please, give up the pronouns, or switch often between he and she, because you know that God is too big to be contained that way and others will notice your balanced approach to who and how we understand God to be. This tiny little change of thought and word about God may even expand our understanding of women in the church, value women more, and listen to women more seriously throughout history and presently. Especially since, as a woman, it is pointless for me to be studying theology...

If we really believe that God does not have gender then we better speak like it. The tongue is powerful.

God is neither male nor female, and in God there is no male or female, but we are also made in God's image: male and female...

Something I found The Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
Eww to pure complementarity and pure equality. Grrr upset... I could go on and on about this subject... The gender issue can be argued from all sides with Scripture, tradition, and history, how do you know who/what is right?

God Texts the Ten Commandents

I was facebook stalking and saw this God Texts the Ten Commandments

As if to Demonstrate an Eclipse --- Billy Collins

My Christology prof read this at the beginning of class the other day, and I very much enjoyed it. Pretty much everyone was busting up laughing at the thought. Some night I will live this poem.

I pick an orange from a wicker basket

and place it on the table

to represent the sun.

Then down at the other end a blue and white marble becomes the earth

and nearby I lay

the little moon of an aspirin.

I get a glass from a cabinet

open a bottle of wine,

then I sit in a ladder-back chair,

a benevolent god presiding

over a miniature creation myth,

and I begin to sing

a home canticle of thanks

for this perfect little arrangement,

for not making the earth too hot or cold

not making it spin too fast or slow

so that the grove of orange trees

and the owl become possible,

not to mention the rolling wave,

the play of clouds, geese in flight,

and the Z of lightning on a dark lake.

Then I fill my glass again

and give thanks for the trout,

the oak, and the yellow feather,

singing the room full of shadows,

as sun and earth and moon

circle one another in their impeccable orbits

and I get more and more cockeyed

with gratitude.

The Trinity: A Texting Conversation

Good student, "So what is the trinity like?"

Other student, "A purple duck peeling an orange on a highwire"

"Creative... I think you are going crazy other student."

"No, I'm using analogical language"

"Okay then."

"What about lasagna and wine from last week?"

"What?... Well i ate that last night... And i'm eating it again tonight.  I made lasagna this weekend.  The trinity is like lasagna and wine?  The trinity is like march madness... Like mitosis... Like my militia of love?"

"I think it's more like the trinity is delicious with Lasagna and wine.  I'm not so sure about March madness"

"Indeed.  The trinity is delicious... I am transcribing these texts to my christology blog.  This is true theology.  Thank you technology....."

"You have a christology blog?"

"I could no longer keep my rambling and quest to myself. I considered adding you as a contributor."

"What is your quest?"

"What is your favorite color!?"

"Black"

"I'm on a quest for the holy grail."

"Oh.  Is it a mission from god?"

"Umm... Maybe?"

"How did you decide on this quest?"

"Smoking hookah one night it just came to me..."

"Oh, right.  And what does the grail consist of?"

"The grail is... I dunno.  I am just interested to know what people are thinking."

"Knowing what other people are thinking is related to the grail?

"The trinity is like the grail... So perhaps..."

"Well if you're going to be heretical and insist that everyone is good, you could always ditch the trinity and say 'there is no god but god'"

"Well if i decide to be a heretic i will keep that in mind..."

"Remember that that one comes with a hijab"

"Hmm.  Another thing to keep in mind..."

Good student, "Theology is exhausting."

Other student, "So is ignorance."