Not My Will, but Your Will be Done

Last night in church small group, we had this discussion on faith and prayer. I think that the leaders were trying to keep the conversation relatively specific and simple, but of course, it ended up being more complex and general. I look back and wish I just would have asked, "Well, why does prayer matter at all!!??" Which I thought, but knew it would just veer us off in some other direction, and the evangelicals would start making the usual blanket paradoxical statements that make me crazy and peaceful at the same time...

So specifically, A, the leader of our group was simply looking to encourage us to pray for things without a doubt, in complete trust and faith, knowing that it makes a difference for ourselves and for others. But starting with a question like, "What does praying in faith mean for you?" was not going to get to A's goal very quickly... because prayer is much more than asking for stuff... So the real question that A was trying to get at was, "When you ask for stuff in your prayer from God, how much do you believe that it is going to happen?" So then we went into conversation about healing, and asking for it, and belief, and how the hell does it work, and why does it not work when it does not work... And so we began a conversation on what we mean when we pray, "Not my will, but your will," or "..if it is your will" etc. etc. etc.

So we pray and pray and pray for something, and then tack on, "Well, if it is your will..." Why did we bother asking if we are just going to then turn around and tell God, "Well God, even though I am petitioning you for this you are just going to do whatever you do, and that is probably going to be best, even though I probably won't understand it."

Does anyone see the so very obvious paradox here? Anyone?

The evangelicals are frantically flipping through their New Testaments and racking their brains for stories and sayings of faith and healing and letting God's will be done... Sidebar: another annoying thing is when someone asks a question, and then someone flips to one verse or one story, and then goes, "Ooh well, that makes sense, I guess that is the answer." I saw a lot of this happening last night, and as people's eyes are glued to the Word of God, no one thinks to throw out places in the Bible where it does not make sense, because obviously, it makes sense.

Then we turn to the ultimate example--Jesus in the Garden. We did not go to deep into this, but had we, oh my my... my brain is spinning with the potential here for HUGE Biblical problems that are very much glazed over or rationalized non-Biblically with evangelicals.

Why does Jesus pray, "If it be your will let this cup pass from me..."?

Isn't Jesus God? Is Jesus praying to himself? It can get a bit confusing. Regardless, what was Jesus' will in this situation? Was Jesus' will different from God's will? Can God's will be different from God's will? Can God have two paradoxical wills? Was Jesus just putting some grand act on as an example to Christians, meanwhile he could have just sat rock had a picnic with the Father, checked his watch and said, "Eh, let's get this show on the road, I have people in hell to save."

I do not know the answers to these questions, but I did throw out an alternative to the prayer, e.g. "If it be your will..." in small group. As usual, I look around the group and I see people who nod in agreement, who look like, "Gee, I never thought of that before," and who react too quickly revealing their opposing position.

All I said was that instead of praying "If it be your will" to instead pray that "my will" and "God's will" are the same. I mean, if we are going to accept the will of God regardless of what we pray, why not pray that our wills be united? So no matter what happens, I am at peace with God. I mean, that is kind of essentially what you are doing anyway, but with a more positive and open spin. I was happy to most everyone agreed with me or at least found the concept intriguing even if they didn't realize the full implications. M, however, jumped on the opportunity to emphasize that our will is not God's will, and cannot be God's will, because we are not God. The last part, yes, but just because of that doesn't mean the former isn't possible or worth praying for. He did not seem to like my twist on the prayer; I could see the wheels turning in his evangelical seminarian head. Luckily, A was totally on my side, which was nice since he pretty much rules the group.

This is all pretty random, and only covers one little tiny aspect of prayer, so forgive me for not going into great depth on the oh-so simple concept of prayer (not so simple). It was just what I was thinking about last night... along with the male references to God, evangelism, the on and off Spirit... etc. One thing at a time. Further comments?

Answers are Overrated

Besides this, it is upsetting that my books for this semester are going to cost more than my rent for the month. I got away with not buying the books in the last psych class I had, but I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off with 5 classes...

Yesterday at [evangelical] church I was being introduced to all the pastors and one of the pastors recognized me because earlier in the summer I had sent a desperate e-mail asking to sit down with some evangelical ecclesial folk and discuss questions... In particular, questions on salvation. At the time I was in a bit of a crisis. I couldn't remember what it was like to be such a super assured Christian. The type of Christian where you said all these Christiany things and everyone around you just knew what you were talking about. Simple things like, "Praise the Lord!" or "God takes care of us" or "the Spirit was strong and moving" or I'm saved" or "they don't know Jesus" and using words like salvation, heaven, hell, kingdom, the Spirit, and everyone just knew. I couldn't remember what that was like, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to using that language without constantly checking myself in my head as to what exactly do I mean by that...

So I wanted to talk to a pastor or a preacher or a teacher in the church (any church, but especially the ones I had been most involved in). The pastor recognized me and asked if I had got my questions answered, and I am sure that the look on my face said, "No, not really..." The guy I was suppose to meet up with was having a baby, and it was the end of the semester for me, and we never found a time... but it is okay! I am at peace with the lack of definitive answer! Well, more or less.

Soon after he left the conversation I thought to myself, "Answers are overrated." All answers seem to do is produce more questions... which produces multiple answers... which produces multiple questions. Even more annoyingly is that you can bet the questions and answers you are making, especially in Christendom, have already been asked and answered by someone somewhere and written down! We just haven't read it because we are glued to our Bibles, pop Christian literature, and Christian music. Wait! Question! Where did the Bible come from anyway...?

What ends up happening is that you get to a semi-root question like, "Why?" or "What is the point?" or "What is the most true, and matters the most?" I don't know, but I imagine regardless of religious affiliation, most people will answer similarly (unless they are a sociopath or something).

I imagine that what the answer is going to involve is family, friends, justice, care, compassion, peace, love, community, etc etc etc. These are things that the healthy human being can agree on. (Ah... but then you wonder, "What are these things?" "How are they manifested?")

So my questions were not exactly answered, and figuring out "the answers" is a lifelong journey. It is best to just accept where you are and be prepared for continuous and drastic change.

Power of the Tongue: God and Gender

Grad school in theology has made me a raging feminist! Well, not really, but based on what I am about to say, many may come to believe that this is the case. Something that I have noticed in my church back home and the church I currently attend versus Catholic and Episcopal church is how to address God, in particular: pronouns. Then again, it often depends on the person and where and what theology they have been trained in...

Anyway, I got to thinking about this last night at my church small group because one of the guys speaking was emphasizing (through Scripture: James and Proverbs) the power and importance of the tongue. I saw it as a doorway to bettering some traditional evangelical language and misunderstanding...

Within pretty much all of Christendom, the example has been to refer to God as Father and consequently "He," "Him," and "Himself." I do not know anyone who grew up being taught to refer to God as simply "God" and "Godself" or to interchange "Him" and "Her" in reference to God. That is crazy talk! But from my very first grad school theology class we were taught to use gender inclusive language in our writing and speaking of God. So now I am hyperaware of every male reference to God in song, prayer, and sermon, and when there are no female examples given in any list of influential Christians. So often male preachers list males who have made a difference in the church or wrote this or that or taught this or that. Sure, it is a predominately male field--but it is not a predominately male spirituality or religion. And God is not a predominately a male God...

That aside, in the past, and in class I fully understood that God does not have a gender (Jesus does, however, so it is ok to refer to him with "him"). So then the question is, "Why do we constantly refer to God as "He" then?" I can think of some answers, and the two big ones are that that is the example that has been given in our churches and that is the way it appears in the Bible. BUT WE KNOW THAT GOD DOES NOT HAVE A GENDER. If any gender, God is both male AND female as Genesis 1 says...

But it gets more confusing: the "Spirit" or the "Wisdom of God" in the Old Testament is definitely a "She." Why is she a "She"? Well, the gender of the word in the original language was female, so the pronoun is female. It is all semantics, language, metaphor, and it MATTERS!

The way God is approached and understood can radically change based on the language and the metaphor we use for God, and in Christianity the least incorrect metaphor for God is Love.

It may seem awkward constantly referring to God as "God" and "Godself," but people will notice, and you will notice how often God is referred to as "He" "Him" and "Himself" in worship, prayer, and sermons. And it will even bother you a little bit because you know that God as "He" really is kind of ridiculous and very limiting to God... especially since most words used to describe God are stereotypically feminine.

So my church back home and the church I go to now constantly refer to God as male, and there often is a lot of confusion over women's role in the church and the family (thanks to Paul or someone claiming to be Paul). While Episcopal and Catholic church do not. The difference I think is in the level of education and when and where the pastor or priest studied. So please, give up the pronouns, or switch often between he and she, because you know that God is too big to be contained that way and others will notice your balanced approach to who and how we understand God to be. This tiny little change of thought and word about God may even expand our understanding of women in the church, value women more, and listen to women more seriously throughout history and presently. Especially since, as a woman, it is pointless for me to be studying theology...

If we really believe that God does not have gender then we better speak like it. The tongue is powerful.

God is neither male nor female, and in God there is no male or female, but we are also made in God's image: male and female...

Something I found The Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood
Eww to pure complementarity and pure equality. Grrr upset... I could go on and on about this subject... The gender issue can be argued from all sides with Scripture, tradition, and history, how do you know who/what is right?