worrying about my day and the rest of my life everyday

lately i have felt the burden of all the work that i have to do to finish the semester as well as the burden of figuring out the rest of my life pretty much everyday. I mention this to my fellow grad students, and yeah, they feel the same way. it actually makes everyone feel pretty crappy. last night i attempted to push the immediacy of figuring out my life out of my mind... i really have no time to do this, and of all times to be worried about this, THIS is the worst time.

nevertheless, i pretty much feel like a failure everyday cause i don't have it figured out or finished. i wondered, "Right now, is there anything that could make me feel not like a failure?" Nope. except maybe a time machine to go back and finish my papers.

the next few weeks are going to be filled with very highs and very lows. this is what happens when you plan two trips on the two weekends before finals. Do I wish I hadn't planned these trips? Nope. I am excited for them, but I just want to be done!!!!!!!!!

I fear that all my work at the end of the semester is going to be my worst work. ...worst work still probably above average... but agh! the rest of my life could be dependent on this?! or not.

I'm calling my mom.

Things I hate about the DSM: Cluster A, B, and C

I think that everyone fits into the DSM-IV-TR Personality Clusters.

Cluster A: Odd/Eccentric
Cluster B: Dramatic
Cluster C: Anxious/Fearful

While I have my odd, eccentric, and dramatic moments, without a doubt, I choose Cluster C for myself: Anxious/Fearful. Lord Jesus... I hate this book.

Odd/Eccentric: paranoid personality disorder (pd), schizoid pd, and schizotypal pd.
Dramatic: antisocial pd (i.e. the serial killers among us), borderline pd, histrionic pd(totally made up, and another reason to hate the DSM), and narcissistic pd.
Anxious/Fearful: avoidant pd, dependent pd, and obsessive-compulsive pd.

Go check out the diagnostic criteria. Here is one location Merck, but the DSM is the best! (*Puke*) It is a good time if you are not studying for an exam. That is all I have to say about that.

Jesus Christ the Snowman

A picture of what completely sober Catholic theology students do in the middle of the night during snowy finals.

Melted this morning... Question is: Will the Resurrection be literal, figurative, or both [and]?

Justice means Violence

I am reading Everett Worthington's new book A Just Forgiveness, and while I do not think he says that exactly, I find it is kind of true, at least, when thinking about it in the most traditional sense, e.g. essentially revenge. This idea has just been constantly running through my mind: justice = violence. It seems so wrong and so true. Thanks Dr. Worthington.


The idea is that there really is no way to be just because everyone's idea of justice is different, that is why we try to create law and have judges that we can all agree on. But just because majority agrees on something, does not mean that our being is not being thoroughly screwed up by this justice system. If justice is all we seek, the score will never be even, and we will only breed more violence.

People also speak of "restorative justice" which in my mind is usually the same as reconciliation. This is what we should seek. Elimination of "the other" with restoration, transformation, reconciliation, truth, love, compassion, and forgiveness.

What do you think?

Father God

As I think I mentioned in my last post, my church small groups is going through "Seven Foundations of Faith!" All of the small groups are doing this, and thus far, I have not been so impressed. I think so far they have covered Jesus and soteriology, reading the Bible, devotionals, accountability, something else I missed, and now "God the Father." Yes, yes, I have already ranted about what I think about all this "God is a man" business. But actually, what bothered me about this was that "they" thought it was necessary to talk solely about God the father without talking about the Trinity. Maybe last week was on the Holy Spirit, and I missed it. But is this "Fatherly" business a foundation? It is foundational as a Christian to understand/believe the metaphor of God as Father? What about all the other metaphors? And like I said, what about the Trinity?

Alrighty, it was a nice little talk I suppose, but there was something else (believe it or not) that bothered me. We spoke about not worrying ("What shall we eat? What shall we drink? What shall we wear?"), and God taking care of us ("Look at the birds of the air and the lilies of the field."), and God's discipline (Hebrews). All I could think was a quote that someone gave me from another professor, "If you can't say it to a poor person, then don't say it."

We all talk about ourselves too much. A personal relationship with God is great, but it is not isolated, and it seems like everyone talks about it that way, and that is the way I am expected to talk about it. "I feel this" and "This is the way God is for me" and "What I get from that is..." and ok, it doesn't sound so bad, but at a certain point, all I can think of is all the exceptions! The world is full of people who do not have perfect lives like all of us well-educated upper-middle class 20-somethings. We are the exceptions to the world, and most of the world thinks our lives and how we apply the Bible is a dream.

My main point:
What do I really have to worry about? Shame on me for worrying about papers and work and blah blah blah, my life is sooo hard (NOT), while there really are people who legitimately worry about food, water, and shelter. Where is their Father? What right do I have to apply that Scripture to my life? If I am going to apply it, I am going to go and start helping people--giving and showing all the blessings I can possibly give.

I don't know. Is the message about taking the verse and applying it to my life (i.e. "I worry, but God takes care of me..."), or is it about applying it to everything I can possibly apply it to (i.e. "I worry... but mostly about stupid things, and I should find ways to demonstrate to people in need that they do not need to worry and share my resources.").

Well, on the bright side, I decided that I like this new small group that I am a part of better than my old small group because there is more of a chance to discuss. The leader this week simply asked questions, which I think is good, and makes me feel like everyone gets a chance to say something, instead of an official "answer" being offered every time a comment is made. We'll see if I stick with them through the new year...

can't take it anymore

Evangelical bliss... There is too much to say to be honest. I am racking my brain for priority, and struggling. There's issues of inerrancy and use of the Bible. Arbitrary assignment of accountability buddies. Small group "foundational" lessons: yesterday we covered prayer, devotionals, reading the Bible and accountability all in about an hour... And luckily I missed the previous meeting that covered Salvation. Agh! I almost had a panic attack just thinking about it.

Now, while I have a tendency to be quite cynical and almost mean here, I really do enjoy all these people. If they drove me that crazy, then I wouldn't stay with them. The venting happens here because I have no place to vent. Or maybe I am fearful to vent to all the people involved--I don't want to be a jerk, and there is a fine line between "you guys are so great" and "what the hell are you preaching?" As I have said before, paradox is an unconscious way of life for most Christians, and in particular: the evangelical. Give yourself a challenge already: conscious paradox.

Anyway, I wish I had the handout that was given to me yesterday. The part about the Bible was particularly painful. I really do struggle with all of this. Should I stay or should I go? And if I stay, why? Will I just continue going and complaining and wondering, or am I really going to try and make a difference, or get kicked out trying? Yeah, I need to stop being a wimp, but be a gentle force.

I will spare anymore complaining since I do not have the evidence from yesterday near me. In the meantime, enjoy this video on how to worship.

Pope with Beer