Love

I went to take a walk during work, and was praying about a plateaued kind of feeling. I'm pretty happy with how happy I am. God and I are good. Boifren and I are good. Fam's good. Friend's good. Church, could be better, but still good. I found myself praying for more joy, more love, and trying to figure out what to do next. What more do I do?

This led my thoughts into, "Well, what's the most important thing?" Answer: Love. Well, that's vague. Everyone has a different idea of what love is. I thought about what love is for my evangelical church. It's telling people Jesus loves them (and if they don't accept him, then to hell). It's also doing nice things for people, being there for people, etc. Though I feel as though "the people" they go for are of a certain type, or just whatever God tells them, c.f. "Treasure Hunting". Love for God is quiet time (consisting of prayer and Bible reading) and being excited or super sad during rock out worship.

My evangelical church's view of love is NOT my favorite. I do not like it. I do not want to do it.

Other things that I think come up in church when talking about love are obedience, justice, turning the other cheek, being non-judgmental, care for everything, sacrifice, commitment, forgiving... it might be feeling, or it might not be a feeling. It is an action. It shouldn't yield negative stuff (at least in the grand scheme of things). It's never ending. It holds things together. It's Harry Potter's power against Voldemort. It's a mystery. It's God.

Well, no one person can ever hope to be all those things (not to mention God). It's overwhelming! And sometimes some of those things conflict and fight with each other! It's annoying! "So which is most important?" I wondered. And I think the answer is probably whatever I am best at. And the answer for you, is probably whatever you are best at. Do that. It's love.

can't take it anymore

Evangelical bliss... There is too much to say to be honest. I am racking my brain for priority, and struggling. There's issues of inerrancy and use of the Bible. Arbitrary assignment of accountability buddies. Small group "foundational" lessons: yesterday we covered prayer, devotionals, reading the Bible and accountability all in about an hour... And luckily I missed the previous meeting that covered Salvation. Agh! I almost had a panic attack just thinking about it.

Now, while I have a tendency to be quite cynical and almost mean here, I really do enjoy all these people. If they drove me that crazy, then I wouldn't stay with them. The venting happens here because I have no place to vent. Or maybe I am fearful to vent to all the people involved--I don't want to be a jerk, and there is a fine line between "you guys are so great" and "what the hell are you preaching?" As I have said before, paradox is an unconscious way of life for most Christians, and in particular: the evangelical. Give yourself a challenge already: conscious paradox.

Anyway, I wish I had the handout that was given to me yesterday. The part about the Bible was particularly painful. I really do struggle with all of this. Should I stay or should I go? And if I stay, why? Will I just continue going and complaining and wondering, or am I really going to try and make a difference, or get kicked out trying? Yeah, I need to stop being a wimp, but be a gentle force.

I will spare anymore complaining since I do not have the evidence from yesterday near me. In the meantime, enjoy this video on how to worship.