I had this brilliant plan yesterday. The plan: skip small group. No big deal, I had a valid excuse: friend's going away party. Granted, I am not all that close with this friend, but I love an excuse to hang out and eat good food. I would be forgiven, and get a little break from... church folk. Not that I am being driven crazy or anything, but I did go to church four times last week (one Catholic mass). So I was going to skip faith group, and this Sunday go to African church instead of my usual evangelical venture--one whole week of traditional evangelical freedom!
But alas, the going away party was last night... so no more excuse. I will be hunted down and dragged to small group against my will... Maybe I am being a bit dramatic... I like hanging out with the evangelicals, but if I don't have a valid excuse, I better be there. I could always claim homework, but that is not truthfully valid right now... Anyway, what was a dilemma (party or small group), has been decided for me. I will suck it up and say "Hello" to hand-raising, prophesying, sinful nature, Paul-loving, Bible-thumping, geli goodness. (I just shortened "evangelical" to "geli.")
There has been a lot to talk [complain] about with church most recently. It is weird though, how you just keep coming back. I remember last year when I was an invisible member showing up maybe every other week: one week with the gelis and the next with the piscos (episcopals). I'll probably show up for pisco liturgy during the winter for the free meal, plus, they have the best homilies in my opinion, makes me feel better about Christianity... The preaching with gelis makes me feel pressure or guilt (to "evangelize" be "crazy for Jesus" be "perfect" be "saved" and agree with everything the Bible says in the way they interpret it) and causes facial contortion about 75% of the time (the other 25% is usually agreeable or thought-provoking).
So, along with my issues of gender and God, I have another thing to add to the list that regularly makes me wince: the "on" and "off" God, or the power of the Holy Spirit on some sort of volume control.
Before I even came into Catholic grad school, actually, I do not know if I ever thought of God as closer or further away. God just always was... is... etc... But with the geli's there are always phrases like, "The Holy Spirit is coming tonight!" or "God was really moving last night." or "Did God whow up for you?" or "God's power is here!" I even heard one of the pastors say the other week that small groups were "to facilitate God." Wha?! There is some level of agreeability and disagreeability with these statements, but as I have said before, I do not like how they are thrown around with out much thought.
Like, was God's power not that great before we had the intense rock out worship session? What exactly does it take to facilitate God? Where was God before? Was the power not there or availible before said moment of intense spiritual experience? Is it necessary to have extremely "high" spiritual moments. I notice people with the really high moments also have extremely low moments. I am one to stay in the middle typically (with anything really). I like to know God as spread completely and evenly over my life in every moment. God is no further or closer now than when I am in church or at uber worship night. I will admit that when I am up or down the intensity or awareness of my spirituality in myself or others can change, but God does not, and I am ok with this.
In other news: I am president. I found out I may be completely finished with the theology side of my degree (save for thesis), sad, but good, and counseling school is boring as hell, but I see very hopeful prospects for my future.
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